The Single Dad's War

Relationships - Others

2008-08-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

There are so many others. Department of Social Services, Therapists, Police, Health Care Professionals, Lawyers, Judges and any other professional organization that gets its hands into the mix.

Keep all relationships with these people at arms length. Yes and no answers if at all possible and never offer up any information. All of these people are “Wrong Finders.”

What I mean is that there whole existence is to find the wrong in others. There paradigm is to look at the situation and find the things that are wrong. Their job depends on them finding out bad stuff. So with that in mind, watch what you say and how you say it. I will get into this in more detail later, but for now, yes and no, and never lie, because they expect it.

Relationships - Your Kids

2008-08-12T08:29:00.000-07:00

Practice what I call, "Adult Information Blackout.” This is a concept that basically keeps all adult interactions that are not for little ears, away from the kids. Today I see several children that are friends of my kids knowing way too much. This is told to them under the guise of they have a “right to know.”

No they don’t. They are kids and they have no rights to information. They have a right to live without abuse of any kind, they have a right to play and do kid things but they do not have a right to know. Select information that is pertinent to your kid. If you know that there is something that your child needs to prepare for, give them the information at the right time when they are best able to handle it.

Never, Never, Never just let it fly in front of the kids. They already believe that they are at fault for mom and dad breaking up or not being together. Do not burden them with information they do not need.

The focus should be on you being the adult and taking the brunt of all issues on and then setting a daddy’s taking care of it attitude and loving the kids with all your heart. By doing this, the children will get a feeling that they are safe under your wing and that security will bring other behaviors in line. Most kids act out because of insecurity and a wanting you near and paying attention. So be near and pay attention and your kids will need less reprimanding.

Relationships - Your Parents

2008-08-05T08:27:00.000-07:00

This is a tricky and slippery slope. After all these are your parents. They still have a latent authority over you and if you are feeling less than adequate and somewhat depressed from your ordeals, you might want to not be a parent and an adult because it is easier and safer to allow your parents to do this.

Most of the time we break off a relationship and we go running back to mom’s to live. She is quick to start doing the laundry and says over and over how much she didn’t like “her” and the story goes. Maybe yours is not like that, but there is always “it’s the other one who is at fault” in most families.

The hurdle here is keeping your parents your parents and not allowing them to overstep their responsibilities and authority. It is easy for us fathers to allow this to happen. We are after all bruised and hurt and telling our children what is right and wrong will put us in the bad light and then they will run to mom, just like you did.

Let that last statement sink in. If you are living at home less than 3 years after your divorce, get out. You are not doing anyone any service. Go lick your wounds in your own place. If you were divorced and you have been home for 3 or more years, get a good therapist.

Get with the program. We are the only species that allows our young to return. That’s just wrong. I mean, if there is a strict economic reason with a defined timeframe such as saving to buy a home, as long as the timeframe is adhered to, go for it. But if we are meandering through our existence and living with mom and dad, kick yourself out of the house and grow up.

The primary issue is they are your parents. They raised you. Now when your kids and relationships come into their domain, sometimes they cannot see the difference and fall into the same patterns as they had with you. You need to get up and set the tone.

One irritation I have is the lack of setting boundaries with adults. What we will and won’t be accepted from others in our life needs to be right out there for all to see and understand. If you do not want you dad telling your kids what to do, then tell him to come to you and you take care of it. They are your kids and your legacy, so act responsibly and do what you need to do.

Set the ground rules and hold to them. Do not accept anything but that guideline forever. Stay on course and the masses will come into line with you.

No more excuses and no more avoidance. Wipe these out and get to work.

Relationships - Mothers

2008-07-29T08:24:00.000-07:00

So much time and energy is devoted to dealing with the Ex-Wife. It is said that a partner last a relationship, but an Ex-Wife lasts a lifetime. Now you are saying that I never married her. Yes you did. The moment a man and woman consummate, have sex, they are married. What do you think the word meant. It means to join.

So many men are not men. They say it is just sex and that is all. This union of a man and a woman, as described in the Bible, is just that, a union, a marriage, a joining. This is what I believe is the crux of the issues as to why relationships fail. A failure to take responsibility for actions and a shirking of responsibilities from the results of those actions.

When a man and a woman have a child, the prenuptials are not the issue.

They have joined and the product of the joining is a child.

Now here is the tough part; Now that you have made the decision to have sex, you are now held to the consequence of that action, i.e. the child and now your lie is a slave to that decision. Re-read that last statement and let it sink in.

Whether or not you planned to have this child is not the point. You did plan to have sex and you failed to plan how to either abstain, the suggested path, or in the very least, protect against a pregnancy. Here is a significant point too, I put more of the blame on the woman, because she is the person of last consequence, meaning she is the receptacle for the child to be bore through, and she could just take a pill or get a shot. But instead is lazy and looking just to satisfy her selfish ways, as is the man in this situation also, and fails the child miserably through their lack of action.

My own situation was a lack of caring and responsibility and to that end I have severely hurt my children and damaged some areas in their lives beyond repair. Was that 60 minutes of sexual fun worth the innumerable hours of pain, torment, tears and court time. Absolutely No !!!.

On the other hand, each one of my children were not expected but most defiantly wanted. Without them I would be much less of a man and because of them, I have seen joy like no other single event of my life.

With that being said, as most single dad’s find out, a child is a weapon of choice used by many women. They seek that control and under the guise of protecting the children, they sling that weapon with the skill of a marksman. Most times it is to protect themselves either from their own issues that caused the breakup or the pain that came with the breakup. It does not matter the reason as much as the response. We have to deal with the mothers and have to use the skill of a lawyer, the understanding of a therapist and the love of God.

By skill of a lawyer I mean, we have to weight and measure every word we use to both the children and their mothers. Careless words sink the ships we are trying to sail. When we want to just break out in a litany of curse words that would bring thunderous roars of applause from all the fathers who have been wronged before, we have to be men and stay calm cool and collected. We need to have a “friendship” at a certain level, not for ourselves, but for the children. This is especially so if she has the physical custody. The tides change if you have custody, but remember she can also pull you in on contempt charges at any time just to have fun with you.

You also need to be a therapist of sorts. Remember, she is dealing with several unresolved issues too. She is hurt and confused. She feels a sense of loss when the kids are not there. You, as the man set the tone. If she is loud and abusive, be calm and cool. Let her rant and rave. If you are really doing your part and her complaints are not valid then you have nothing to defend. Take her words and file them appropriately. However, if her words are true, get off your ass and fix the issues now, today, before you go to sleep tonight.

Too many times we use the excuse that she is complaining again and it is not me. Be very careful. Sometimes others see things long before we do and she may be right. So keep your mouth shut and listen to what she says, process it, and if it is true, apologize and fix the issue. More likely than not you screwed up and that is why the relationship didn’t work. So suck it up and work on yourself first, seek a councilor who is well versed in your situation and then go every week for at least three (3) years.

Why go for three (3) years? It is simple. You made some seriously wrong decisions, hence why you are in the boat you are in now. Those decisions were made with incorrect input from somewhere, whether it was your parents, experiences or just dumb luck. Setting a time frame far in advance allows for any latent behavior to come to the surface and be dealt with. If reading this book is to find answers, get a therapist today and start really seeking them.

Once you understand yourself, the issues with your Ex-Wife will begin to gain clarity. When this happens, your vision and purpose will begin to over-ride your want to strike back. Remember, this is not a contest to win; it is an endurance run to bring up your children in the best possible way in the worst situation.

Most people want to keep God out of the equation. This always confuses me in that the Bible is the best tool on the planet to raise children. It is all in there. In this whole discussion I have not spoke one new idea or concept, for all I am saying is an expansion of what is in the Bible.
Gods love is forever and does not taint to the colors of situation or time.

When God loves He does so with the purist of motive and the warmth of a summer day. He loves His children whether or not they are doing what is right or something that is wrong. When He disciplines, it is with the sole purpose to help and to guide us from other perils that we cannot see.
This story is to illustrate a point;

My friend Jesse was walking out of a grocery store in North Carolina with my long time friend Mike, who was about six to eight feet behind Jesse. Mike was looking over what they bought and Jesse was looking down, in his own world walking back to the car.

There were two Hispanic men, in their twenties sitting on the curb. They noticed Jesse not being aware and got up and started toward him. Jesse was so into what he was thinking about, he did not notice how one of them began to circle behind him while the other hurried to get ahead of him.

These two men had every intention to jump Jesse and take what he had.
Mike looked up and could not believe his eyes. Because of his years of martial arts training and his own experiences, he quickly recognized and sized up the situation. Mike quickened his pace and got the attention of the two would be thieves and mentally captured them. When they saw Mike, based on his body language, they both walked away with great haste, believing that the risk of them being hurt by Mike was far greater than that of Jesse.

Jesse continued onto the car without even the slightest hint that he almost had a meeting with these two hoodlums. When he was told, he still didn’t believe it.

That is the job of God and that job is passed down to the father by God himself. We do not know the destruction that is around the corner, but God does, and further, our children do not see as far as we can into the future, but it is imperative that we make the decisions for them to help them along, even when they do not understand.

We, as fathers need to love everyone involved. Not with the immature love we had when we created this mess, but with patience, kindness and caring. Remember, at one time you said you loved this woman. If you were able to understand what that really meant back then, you would not have the price you are paying now.

So when she jumps at you for something that you really want to fight back on, let it go and tell her we really should talk about that, set a time and a date, keep the date and work it out. If the accusation is unfounded, then walk away gracefully.

The key here is fighting the right battle, at the right time, in the best conditions for winning. Never battle it out around the children, this is a lose, lose, lose situation. Always away from the kids and from other influences.

Relationships

2008-07-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

This is the foundation of all which we will explore in the chapters to come. Without a relationship of some sort, children cannot come about, live, love and flourish. We will dispel some of what I believe are myths and hopefully open up some discussion as to the greatest relationship and most powerful and worthwhile task there is, raising a productive, loving, caring child to adulthood.

Many times we will spend more time planning the infant’s room than the child’s life. We as fathers need to step up to the plate and set the tone at an early age so that we might entice and encourage proper behaviors from our children. While child rearing is a work in progress and nothing dealing with children can ever be written in stone, some tried and true time with a pad of paper and a pen can at least allow us to have a target and move toward that target even when we have to change the plan to get there.

While we explore the relationship aspect, it is my suggestion to find someone of greater knowledge and experience, such as a therapist or pastor, who can assist in your own self exploration. All this work is to provide is to open your mind, all the answers are within you, but a good person who understands the working of the mind can greatly assist you on your journey.

History of Chaos

2008-07-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

One cannot understand or comprehend what one can stand. Only when the smoke clears can we assess our brilliance or incompetence or just blind luck.

Back in September of 1987 I was going to college at Worcester State. I was studying Computer Science and playing my drums in the Jazz Band. It was a great time and I was happy. My grades were OK and I was planning my move to Hollywood California to attend Musicians Institute. It was a simple existence and looking back I realized that I did not really appreciate what I had.

I had a girlfriend at the time and I was a somewhat on and off with the woman who would mother my first two children Jasmine and Spencer. She was a nice girl at the time. Sex was an all consuming obsession that I would move towards regardless the challenges. Yes, I was having my cake and eating it too. What college guy wouldn’t try to notch as many as came his way?

My best friend Jon and I packed up the van and went to California via Route 40. What a trip. An adventure that I could have only done at that time of my life and I am so happy that I had the support of my parents and friends to do such.

A year and one half passed and in that time I matured and also recognized the aphrodisiac effects of someone from another state or that is not around. It was better than college. During this time was when I got involved with Mary. She was a good friend, but more than that, she had a seemingly insatiable desire to have sex. Everywhere and anywhere, and that were exactly what I wanted. In March of 1988 I came home. Mary and I were weekly partners in sexual behaviors and sometime in July of that year, Mary became pregnant with Jasmine. At the time, neither I nor Mary was ready for the lifelong commitment of child rearing. I was shocked and stupefied. What amazed me most was that I had told countless people that I would never have a child out of wedlock. I was animate about it, but I never used a contraceptive nor did I even use the rhythm method, which is just estimation. Worse yet, when all else fails, just pull the dam thing out.

Jasmine, born 4/8/89. A beautiful little girl. So innocent of the crazy family, certifiable, she was born into. Because of this event, I was told that I should never see my daughter, not go for a paternity test and not be involved with the mother at all, because it would hurt her Welfare Benefits. This came from Mary’s mother, Rhoda Smith, who knew the system so well; I swear she wrote the manuals the government runs on.

Eighteen months later, Spencer arrived. What a dream come true. One girl and one boy, and two psychotic personalities in a mother and mother-in-law. I was happy and I was sad. I was excited and terrified. Shortly after Spencer was born, Mary decided to move onto another male.

After a few years I married Lisa. We had one daughter, Rebecca. I very energetic child with a very strong will. She was the answer to Lisa’s request to be in the same position as Mary. Lisa wanted to have a child by me. This child was a way so that she would feel special.

Lisa and I separated three (3) years later and divorced a while after that. I lived alone for several years and at the writing of this chapter, I am not involved at any serious level with any woman. There are several reasons for this, none of which has to do with my wanting to be with a man. I am definitely a female wanter. A born lesbian.

During this eighteen year drama, I have been to court forty-eight times with more to come; I have been investigated time and again by the Department of Social Services, Family Court, Probate Court, and numerous mental health clinics and social workers.

The amazing thing is the relentless and reckless behavior some people have toward any semblance of normalcy and calmness. People, who's sole desire is to destroy what is good and wreck was is working. No wonder therapists are in so much confusion and so ill equipped when the playing field is being moved as they try to accomplish their work.

I feel for the case workers, judges, probation officers, clinicians and anyone who has to deal with the ravages of this culture on the children and families today. We see kids killing kids, children having children and parents physically there, but not. We are so screwed up as a culture, I fear for the continuation of our nation. We are building on the family and if the family is failing, so do I see the demise of America.

I never thought it would be so hard

2008-07-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

This is the culmination of over sixteen years of experiences from my life trying to forge a future for my children in the world, attempting to shelter them from inappropriate adults, protecting them from the chaos that is the system and trying to impart unto them the lessons I have learned from this experience and from before.

When I started out on this fatherhood road, I was naive to think that the women in my life would allow me to father my children. Our world has taken the concepts of the centuries prior and decided to rid ourselves of them. Concepts such as discipline and mentoring are fading into the background. When we can only pass on our heritage through lessons passed down, we are only one generation from destruction. My fear is that this event is shortly coming and my words and deeds today may be the only voice crying out in the wilderness.

Today 78% of all black children are born out of wedlock. 45% of all white children are born into the same situation. Marriage is the foundation of a nation, and while this is not a homosexual marriage rights hit, but marriage is a unique institution for a unique situation. Immorality aside, a man and a woman are needed to bring the children up correctly. Yes there is love in homosexual relationships, and I am not discounting this, it is however the belief of this one man that a child needs a strong male and a strong female to grow up straight.

It is the love of God that a child learns from the mother and the Law of God or discipline of God from the father. Now, discipline is not hitting the child. The word used here is to disciple the child, in other words, to lead the child by example. I have no idea where the confusion came from that in order to disciple you have to hit. Spanking, or the one solid smack on the buttocks to get the attention and to snap a child out of destructive behavior has been seriously changed to be the relentless outward lashing of an out of control adult.

As we will explore, it is far more important to be a good example to mold a child than it is to be out of control. Fear does not do anything except invoke the fight or flight behavior God made that emotion for. If we are of sound mind and control our behavior and our mouths when we are stressed from a child’s incessant rants and raves, then the child will learn that when they are stressed to mirror that same behavior.

Also, the challenges of a single dad are somewhat similar to a single mom, but with some unique differences in how both society and the government sees them. Changes are being placed and while I will make the stances on certain issues, this is not written for political views but rather as an enlightenment.

In closing, while the challenges have been unexpected, the experiences are priceless. Not everything that comes to you is a blessing and not everything taken away is a curse. Being a dad is more a lesson in deflection and meeting of events. Taking the time to love and to recognize the tremendous honor and privilege bestowed to you by God, to care for and protect His children.