History of Chaos

One cannot understand or comprehend what one can stand. Only when the smoke clears can we assess our brilliance or incompetence or just blind luck. Back in September of 1987 I was going to college at Worcester State. I was studying Computer Science and playing my drums in the Jazz Band. It was a great time and I was happy. My grades were OK and I was planning my move to Hollywood California to attend Musicians Institute. 

Mine was a simple existence and looking back I realized that I did not really appreciate what I had. I had a girlfriend at the time and I was a somewhat on and off with the woman who would mother my first two children Jasmine and Spencer. She was a nice girl at the time. Sex was an all consuming obsession that I would move towards regardless the challenges. Yes, I was having my cake and eating it too. What college guy wouldn’t try to notch as many as came his way? 

 My best friend Jon and I packed up the van and went to California via Route 40. What a trip. An adventure that I could have only done at that time of my life and I am so happy that I had the support of my parents and friends to do such. 

A year and one half passed and in that time I matured and also recognized the aphrodisiac effects of someone from another state or that is not around. It was better than college. During this time was when I got involved with Mary. She was a good friend, but more than that, she had a seemingly insatiable desire to have sex. Everywhere and anywhere, and that was exactly what I wanted. 

In March of 1988 I came home. Mary and I were weekly partners in sexual behaviors and sometime in July of that year, Mary became pregnant with Jasmine. At the time, neither I nor Mary was ready for the lifelong commitment of child rearing. I was shocked and stupefied. What amazed me most was that I had told countless people that I would never have a child out of wedlock. I was animate about it, but I never used a contraceptive nor did I even use the rhythm method, which is just estimation. Worse yet, when all else fails, just pull the dam thing out. 

Jasmine, born 4/8/89. A beautiful little girl. So innocent of the crazy family, certifiable, she was born into. Because of this event, I was told that I should never see my daughter, not go for a paternity test and not be involved with the mother at all, because it would hurt her Welfare Benefits. 

This came from Mary’s mother, Rhoda Smith, who knew the system so well; I swear she wrote the manuals the government runs on. 

Eighteen months later, Spencer arrived. What a dream come true. One girl and one boy, and two psychotic personalities in a mother and mother-in-law. I was happy and I was sad. I was excited and terrified. Shortly after Spencer was born, Mary decided to move onto another male. After a few years I married Lisa. 

We had one daughter, Rebecca. I very energetic child with a very strong will. She was the answer to Lisa’s request to be in the same position as Mary. Lisa wanted to have a child by me. This child was a way so that she would feel special. Lisa and I separated three (3) years later and divorced a while after that. I lived alone for several years and at the writing of this chapter, I am not involved at any serious level with any woman. 

There are several reasons for this, none of which has to do with my wanting to be with a man. I am definitely a female wanter. A born lesbian. During this eighteen year drama, I have been to court forty-eight times with more to come; I have been investigated time and again by the Department of Social Services, Family Court, Probate Court, and numerous mental health clinics and social workers. The amazing thing is the relentless and reckless behavior some people have toward any semblance of normalcy and calmness. People, who's sole desire is to destroy what is good and wreck was is working. No wonder therapists are in so much confusion and so ill equipped when the playing field is being moved as they try to accomplish their work. 

I feel for the case workers, judges, probation officers, clinicians and anyone who has to deal with the ravages of this culture on the children and families today. We see kids killing kids, children having children and parents physically there, but not. We are so screwed up as a culture, I fear for the continuation of our nation. 

We are building on the family and if the family is failing, so do I see the demise of America.