External Plumbing and the Courts

 The court system is slanted towards females and discount mails have a very high percentage even if the actual care of the children isn't safe.  the courts believe any underlying laws that were actually put in place that males are unable to go and raise children in are not able to give the necessary foundation for children to be healthy. Legal system coupled with the support structure that's supposed to help children in need, has a bias towards females and does not support in any way shape or form the males in the parenting of children.

 

In my personal case it was OK for the mother to leave the father off of the birth certificate to collect additional funds from the state and federal government system , and in some ways is rewarded for not having the father on the actual documentation. What this causes is additional cost to the father to go and challenge the mother through DNA testing and through the court system so that the father can actually go and have a relationship with the children. In my case particular , the mother decided that I should not be in the children's life he should not be living with the mother and the children so as she can go and collect additional funds. When my daughter was born the grandmother told me not to stick around because I will screw up the mothers welfare payments.

 

Heartbroken and distraught I went home and I spoke with my parents about it and let them know what was actually said. That the mother was not going to put me on the birth certificate and that I really had no real recourse, in her eyes, to do so. All this was done by the mother with the full knowledge that she would receive additional funds if she did not include me in the actual birth certificate.

 

To me I could have gotten away without any child support as she did not define me as the father. This would be for my first 2 oldest children and it would have saved me thousands of dollars in child support. The state didn't care about the Child Support at all. They didn't care about my rights. They did not go on even investigate who might be the father for these children. They completely went off of what the mother said in the actual documents saying there was no father and she didn't know who it was. Enter the government it was OK. It was fine that the mother decided not to define who the father was and in essence denied me without legal course of action the rights granted to a father to be part of the child's life .

 

So here is the quandary. I could walk away without having any financial obligations to the children. At anytime in the future the mother could go and say hey this is the father and I want child support from him. Which means it all of a sudden even though she decided at the beginning for me not to be part of the children's life she could at any given time at her whim say that I was the father and then have all the paternity tests done and then I would be on the hook for all of the money owed up until that point. At no time the denial of the mother that I was the father would ever come into the mix. The other side of the quandary is I would not have the ability to step into my children's life and to take it take a look at what's going on to see if there was any abuse or problems that I should have defeated.

 

The decision to petition the court for custody of the children and to pay the Child Support man take care whatever else I could was a decision that would financially wreck me for the next 25 years but would allow me to get an insight into what was happening within the actual household and with the children which to me was priceless. Without the Child Support order the abuse that my two oldest children went through would have gone unchecked and they would have been where soft in my eyes then if I had simply walked away.

 

And believe me walking away was an option. To go away Scott free from the crazy that I was dealing with and the heartbreak I was constantly going through because of the manipulation from the X , I would have been a lot more mentally healthy than I was during that time. The struggles I went through was far beyond what most people would have to deal with as I was not only dealing my own personal depression but the impact on my children and in the impact on my family around me. The desire to help the kids and try to get him some semblance of normalcy was paramount on my mind even though at every given turn both the mother and the grandmother were trying to cause as much noise and frustration to me as possible. No I knew I so you might ask how do you go and deal with that kind of crazy?

 

Day by day and struggle by struggle is the only way to deal with it. You have to look at each problem in each situation in a sort of sterile environment and deal with it one off. For instance children coming to visits without their psychological medications. You see the children when they come on on Friday in their fine on Saturday they seem to be OK but a little bit sleepy and then on Sunday during the day they go and lose their minds and you're like well what the Hell's going on. And then you find out that you know you ask a few questions in the next visit and the next visit you find out that there's Ritalin and other psychological drugs that are given to them during the week to keep him sedated any grandmother keeps the psychological drugs from them on their trips to see me.

 

this type of abuse in my particular cases actually more to control the children and sedate them than it was to actually go and help them become healthy. Mother in the grandmother shop psychologists and therapists to give them the diagnosis is they needed. Even so far as to go and get the diagnosis for the children being disabled so that the grandmother could receive disability benefits for all three of the children. The children didn't even know that they were on disability. The grandmother committed fraud by using the children as the way for her to go and gain money. And in her doing so irreparable harm to the children in the form of mental physical and psychological effect abuse.

 

And this was why with DSS in the picture getting repeated 51As filed onthe grandmother and the mother over the course of time with the children in their care. These 51As were filed By myself, by school officials, and by medical professionals in yet the state did not step in to go and protect the children. Even though there was actually our behavior showing that these children were being abused , no one in DSS would actually go on step forward and take care of the children.

 

No I may be talking a little bit harsh about DSS and the way they approach the children, but the way they treated me as a male in this situation up until the point where I actually got physical custody of my son was less than stellar. Being a custodial parent and not the one who had the sole physical custody of the children I should have been notified on each and every time there was a contact with the DSS person in the mother and the grandmother. There was a legal obligation of that organization to go and tell me what was going on and they failed to time and time again. I find out by accident my son has been place in a psychological group home. I find out injuries and medicines and doctors visits and psychological visits all by happenstance. I find out about the shopping for therapists and the fact that my kids are now disabled. All those things came to pass an not once to anybody from the government who is required to go and hold the law tell me exactly what's going on.

 

In my court battles with the children at the probate level and the family court level I would sometimes get a insight that I did not have before. And if I was not the type of guy who just goes and drives to get answers, I would not find out 2/3 of the things that I know now. Everything I have for information and everything that I have done was because I have a strong desire to know and understand. Most people don't have the time period and most people that are going through the court system at my age bracket did not have the mental fortitude to drive themselves through to the end.

 

I guess it's short you should really think long and hard as a male in this set in our society as to whether or not getting into a relationship with a female when you're not fixed meaning when you don't have your tubes tied so you can't get the girl pregnant, Is really something that you want to really be involved with. It's a no win situation for the male in that if she says that she was raped then the courts will believe that she was raped. If the courts deem you the father then you're stuck with child support even if the kid is not yours. Women are looking for fathers for their children Anne will use everything they have at their resources to go and capture you to go and be that resource to them. Young women don't necessarily love you they love what you can do for them and you get sucked into that hole chaotic environment and guess what , you will get her pregnant and you will be paying child support out for 20 plus years.

 

$320,000 I paid out in child support for my 3. Now I would pay that all over again to make sure that I was part of their lives and part of the decision making process, even know most of the time the women didn't allow you into the decision-making process. Yep I've had women go and say I'm going to move out of state, against everything that is said in the court order about the actual moving out of state with the chip room period they don't care period supposed to give you tax the tax cut every other year. But they don't they take it all for themselves and then they go and they file quicker that use that you have to file the amendment and all the other hassles and then you might get it back or not.

 

So if you decide to have it have a relationship with a woman when you are young and dumb and full of come, be ready that you're going to go and have the rest of your life to pay for the actual decision to have that 30 seconds of fun. It is not a pleasurable ride and it is so **** ** the kids who don't ask to get into the mess. A woman will be free to go on do anything that she wants without recourse and make accusations without recourse again and again just to make your life miserable and you will be paying for that for at least 20 years. That's some expensive sex. It will be better to buy yourself a night a week what the hooker then it would be to go and actually get into a relationship with a woman and have children. 

Where everything has gone

It has been 28 years since my adventure started.  Well over 70 court dates and $300,000 in child support later, I sit on the time when all of the chaos is clearing. 

At this point many external plumbing wonder what the heck happened and how did I get so messed up.  Many of guys like me spent the better part of the 25 years working to make ends 60 to 70 hours a week,  All the while the knuckleheads I impregnated where right there selling the narrative that I was a bad dad because I could not spend time with my children, all the while, the "Mom" was going back to court asking for more money.

I watched one of the women I had children with work only 270 days in her 30 plus years in the work force.  She spawned 5 other children, collected from the state and lost mine and the 5 others to the state.  From the two that I had with her, she has stolen from, called in false accusations and even went so far as to throw my adult son down a flight of stairs bruising his shoulder and back.  

Both of these children have grown up and are doing fine.  I never bad mouthed their mother, but trusted time tells the truth until recently when my kids came to me and asked direct questions.  They both call her by her first name and not Mom.  Their decision, not mine.  They both call me Dad, again their decision not mine. 

It is a privileged and an honor to be part of their lives, as I truly do not feel I deserve it.  For these two are a testament to staying calm and loving them and getting out of their way to allow them to grow, regardless of what I thought was right or wrong. 

Too many times we get caught on perceptions or ego moments which cause drama,  We have to back up and look at what is a real problem and what is just something we should let go. Most of the crap I wasted my time on is not even relevant to where my kids and myself ended up.

Both women are messed up and like the mess they live in.  I cannot help nor do I want to as that turmoil they cook up is toxic.  It is like the air line personal who tells you to put on the air mask first and then help others.  I stay away, at arms length or greater, because unfortunately for my children, that toxic air always hits them, so I stay clear to pull them out and get them right.

Relationships - Others

There are so many others. Department of Social Services, Therapists, Police, Health Care Professionals, Lawyers, Judges and any other professional organization that gets its hands into the mix.

Keep all relationships with these people at arms length. Yes and no answers if at all possible and never offer up any information. All of these people are “Wrong Finders.”

What I mean is that there whole existence is to find the wrong in others. There paradigm is to look at the situation and find the things that are wrong. Their job depends on them finding out bad stuff. So with that in mind, watch what you say and how you say it. I will get into this in more detail later, but for now, yes and no, and never lie, because they expect it.

Relationships - Your Kids

Practice what I call, "Adult Information Blackout.” This is a concept that basically keeps all adult interactions that are not for little ears, away from the kids. Today I see several children that are friends of my kids knowing way too much. This is told to them under the guise of they have a “right to know.” 

No they don’t. 

 They are kids and they have no rights to information. They have a right to live without abuse of any kind, they have a right to play and do kid things but they do not have a right to know. Select information that is pertinent to your kid. If you know that there is something that your child needs to prepare for, give them the information at the right time when they are best able to handle it. Never, Never, Never just let it fly in front of the kids. 

 They already believe that they are at fault for mom and dad breaking up or not being together. Do not burden them with information they do not need. The focus should be on you being the adult and taking the brunt of all issues on and then setting a daddy’s taking care of it attitude and loving the kids with all your heart. By doing this, the children will get a feeling that they are safe under your wing and that security will bring other behaviors in line. 

 Most kids act out because of insecurity and a wanting you near and paying attention. So be near and pay attention and your kids will need less reprimanding.

Relationships - Your Parents

This is a tricky and slippery slope. After all these are your parents. They still have a latent authority over you and if you are feeling less than adequate and somewhat depressed from your ordeals, you might want to not be a parent and an adult because it is easier and safer to allow your parents to do this.

Most of the time we break off a relationship and we go running back to mom’s to live. She is quick to start doing the laundry and says over and over how much she didn’t like “her” and the story goes. Maybe yours is not like that, but there is always “it’s the other one who is at fault” in most families.

The hurdle here is keeping your parents your parents and not allowing them to overstep their responsibilities and authority. It is easy for us fathers to allow this to happen. We are after all bruised and hurt and telling our children what is right and wrong will put us in the bad light and then they will run to mom, just like you did.

Let that last statement sink in. If you are living at home less than 3 years after your divorce, get out. You are not doing anyone any service. Go lick your wounds in your own place. If you were divorced and you have been home for 3 or more years, get a good therapist.

Get with the program. We are the only species that allows our young to return. That’s just wrong. I mean, if there is a strict economic reason with a defined timeframe such as saving to buy a home, as long as the timeframe is adhered to, go for it. But if we are meandering through our existence and living with mom and dad, kick yourself out of the house and grow up.

The primary issue is they are your parents. They raised you. Now when your kids and relationships come into their domain, sometimes they cannot see the difference and fall into the same patterns as they had with you. You need to get up and set the tone.

One irritation I have is the lack of setting boundaries with adults. What we will and won’t be accepted from others in our life needs to be right out there for all to see and understand. If you do not want you dad telling your kids what to do, then tell him to come to you and you take care of it. They are your kids and your legacy, so act responsibly and do what you need to do.

Set the ground rules and hold to them. Do not accept anything but that guideline forever. Stay on course and the masses will come into line with you.

No more excuses and no more avoidance. Wipe these out and get to work.

Relationships - Mothers

So much time and energy is devoted to dealing with the Ex-Wife. It is said that a partner last a relationship, but an Ex-Wife lasts a lifetime. Now you are saying that I never married her. Yes you did. The moment a man and woman consummate, have sex, they are married. What do you think the word meant. It means to join. 

So many men are not men. They say it is just sex and that is all. This union of a man and a woman, as described in the Bible, is just that, a union, a marriage, a joining. This is what I believe is the crux of the issues as to why relationships fail. A failure to take responsibility for actions and a shirking of responsibilities from the results of those actions. When a man and a woman have a child, the prenuptial are not the issue. They have joined and the product of the joining is a child. 

Now here is the tough part; Now that you have made the decision to have sex, you are now held to the consequence of that action, i.e. the child and now your lie is a slave to that decision. Re-read that last statement and let it sink in. Whether or not you planned to have this child is not the point. You did plan to have sex and you failed to plan how to either abstain, the suggested path, or in the very least, protect against a pregnancy. 

Here is a significant point too, I put more of the blame on the woman, because she is the person of last consequence, meaning she is the receptacle for the child to be bore through, and she could just take a pill or get a shot. But instead is lazy and looking just to satisfy her selfish ways, as is the man in this situation also, and fails the child miserably through their lack of action. My own situation was a lack of caring and responsibility and to that end I have severely hurt my children and damaged some areas in their lives beyond repair. 

Was that 60 minutes of sexual fun worth the innumerable hours of pain, torment, tears and court time. Absolutely No !!!. On the other hand, each one of my children were not expected but most defiantly wanted. Without them I would be much less of a man and because of them, I have seen joy like no other single event of my life. With that being said, as most single dad’s find out, a child is a weapon of choice used by many women. They seek that control and under the guise of protecting the children, they sling that weapon with the skill of a marksman. Most times it is to protect themselves either from their own issues that caused the breakup or the pain that came with the breakup. It does not matter the reason as much as the response. We have to deal with the mothers and have to use the skill of a lawyer, the understanding of a therapist and the love of God. By skill of a lawyer I mean, we have to weight and measure every word we use to both the children and their mothers.

Careless words sink the ships we are trying to sail. When we want to just break out in a litany of curse words that would bring thunderous roars of applause from all the fathers who have been wronged before, we have to be men and stay calm cool and collected. We need to have a “friendship” at a certain level, not for ourselves, but for the children. This is especially so if she has the physical custody. The tides change if you have custody, but remember she can also pull you in on contempt charges at any time just to have fun with you. 

You also need to be a therapist of sorts. Remember, she is dealing with several unresolved issues too. She is hurt and confused. She feels a sense of loss when the kids are not there. You, as the man set the tone. If she is loud and abusive, be calm and cool. Let her rant and rave. If you are really doing your part and her complaints are not valid then you have nothing to defend. Take her words and file them appropriately. However, if her words are true, get off your ass and fix the issues now, today, before you go to sleep tonight. 

Too many times we use the excuse that she is complaining again and it is not me. Be very careful. Sometimes others see things long before we do and she may be right. So keep your mouth shut and listen to what she says, process it, and if it is true, apologize and fix the issue. More likely than not you screwed up and that is why the relationship didn’t work. So suck it up and work on yourself first, seek a councilor who is well versed in your situation and then go every week for at least three (3) years. 

Why go for three (3) years? It is simple. You made some seriously wrong decisions, hence why you are in the boat you are in now. Those decisions were made with incorrect input from somewhere, whether it was your parents, experiences or just dumb luck. Setting a time frame far in advance allows for any latent behavior to come to the surface and be dealt with. If reading this book is to find answers, get a therapist today and start really seeking them. Once you understand yourself, the issues with your Ex-Wife will begin to gain clarity. When this happens, your vision and purpose will begin to over-ride your want to strike back. Remember, this is not a contest to win; it is an endurance run to bring up your children in the best possible way in the worst situation. 

Most people want to keep God out of the equation. This always confuses me in that the Bible is the best tool on the planet to raise children. It is all in there. In this whole discussion I have not spoke one new idea or concept, for all I am saying is an expansion of what is in the Bible. Gods love is forever and does not taint to the colors of situation or time. When God loves He does so with the purist of motive and the warmth of a summer day. He loves His children whether or not they are doing what is right or something that is wrong. When He disciplines, it is with the sole purpose to help and to guide us from other perils that we cannot see. This story is to illustrate a point; 

My friend Jesse was walking out of a grocery store in North Carolina with my long time friend Mike, who was about six to eight feet behind Jesse. Mike was looking over what they bought and Jesse was looking down, in his own world walking back to the car. There were two Hispanic men, in their twenties sitting on the curb. They noticed Jesse not being aware and got up and started toward him. Jesse was so into what he was thinking about, he did not notice how one of them began to circle behind him while the other hurried to get ahead of him. These two men had every intention to jump Jesse and take what he had. 

Mike looked up and could not believe his eyes. Because of his years of martial arts training and his own experiences, he quickly recognized and sized up the situation. Mike quickened his pace and got the attention of the two would be thieves and mentally captured them. When they saw Mike, based on his body language, they both walked away with great haste, believing that the risk of them being hurt by Mike was far greater than that of Jesse. Jesse continued onto the car without even the slightest hint that he almost had a meeting with these two hoodlums. 

When he was told, he still didn’t believe it. That is the job of God and that job is passed down to the father by God himself. We do not know the destruction that is around the corner, but God does, and further, our children do not see as far as we can into the future, but it is imperative that we make the decisions for them to help them along, even when they do not understand. 

We, as fathers need to love everyone involved. Not with the immature love we had when we created this mess, but with patience, kindness and caring. Remember, at one time you said you loved this woman. If you were able to understand what that really meant back then, you would not have the price you are paying now. So when she jumps at you for something that you really want to fight back on, let it go and tell her we really should talk about that, set a time and a date, keep the date and work it out. If the accusation is unfounded, then walk away gracefully. 

The key here is fighting the right battle, at the right time, in the best conditions for winning. Never battle it out around the children, this is a lose, lose, lose situation. Always away from the kids and from other influences.

Relationships

This is the foundation of all which we will explore in the chapters to come. Without a relationship of some sort, children cannot come about, live, love and flourish. We will dispel some of what I believe are myths and hopefully open up some discussion as to the greatest relationship and most powerful and worthwhile task there is, raising a productive, loving, caring child to adulthood. Many times we will spend more time planning the infant’s room than the child’s life. 

 We as fathers need to step up to the plate and set the tone at an early age so that we might entice and encourage proper behaviors from our children. While child rearing is a work in progress and nothing dealing with children can ever be written in stone, some tried and true time with a pad of paper and a pen can at least allow us to have a target and move toward that target even when we have to change the plan to get there. 

 While we explore the relationship aspect, it is my suggestion to find someone of greater knowledge and experience, such as a therapist or pastor, who can assist in your own self exploration. All this work is to provide is to open your mind, all the answers are within you, but a good person who understands the working of the mind can greatly assist you on your journey.

History of Chaos

One cannot understand or comprehend what one can stand. Only when the smoke clears can we assess our brilliance or incompetence or just blind luck. Back in September of 1987 I was going to college at Worcester State. I was studying Computer Science and playing my drums in the Jazz Band. It was a great time and I was happy. My grades were OK and I was planning my move to Hollywood California to attend Musicians Institute. 

Mine was a simple existence and looking back I realized that I did not really appreciate what I had. I had a girlfriend at the time and I was a somewhat on and off with the woman who would mother my first two children Jasmine and Spencer. She was a nice girl at the time. Sex was an all consuming obsession that I would move towards regardless the challenges. Yes, I was having my cake and eating it too. What college guy wouldn’t try to notch as many as came his way? 

 My best friend Jon and I packed up the van and went to California via Route 40. What a trip. An adventure that I could have only done at that time of my life and I am so happy that I had the support of my parents and friends to do such. 

A year and one half passed and in that time I matured and also recognized the aphrodisiac effects of someone from another state or that is not around. It was better than college. During this time was when I got involved with Mary. She was a good friend, but more than that, she had a seemingly insatiable desire to have sex. Everywhere and anywhere, and that was exactly what I wanted. 

In March of 1988 I came home. Mary and I were weekly partners in sexual behaviors and sometime in July of that year, Mary became pregnant with Jasmine. At the time, neither I nor Mary was ready for the lifelong commitment of child rearing. I was shocked and stupefied. What amazed me most was that I had told countless people that I would never have a child out of wedlock. I was animate about it, but I never used a contraceptive nor did I even use the rhythm method, which is just estimation. Worse yet, when all else fails, just pull the dam thing out. 

Jasmine, born 4/8/89. A beautiful little girl. So innocent of the crazy family, certifiable, she was born into. Because of this event, I was told that I should never see my daughter, not go for a paternity test and not be involved with the mother at all, because it would hurt her Welfare Benefits. 

This came from Mary’s mother, Rhoda Smith, who knew the system so well; I swear she wrote the manuals the government runs on. 

Eighteen months later, Spencer arrived. What a dream come true. One girl and one boy, and two psychotic personalities in a mother and mother-in-law. I was happy and I was sad. I was excited and terrified. Shortly after Spencer was born, Mary decided to move onto another male. After a few years I married Lisa. 

We had one daughter, Rebecca. I very energetic child with a very strong will. She was the answer to Lisa’s request to be in the same position as Mary. Lisa wanted to have a child by me. This child was a way so that she would feel special. Lisa and I separated three (3) years later and divorced a while after that. I lived alone for several years and at the writing of this chapter, I am not involved at any serious level with any woman. 

There are several reasons for this, none of which has to do with my wanting to be with a man. I am definitely a female wanter. A born lesbian. During this eighteen year drama, I have been to court forty-eight times with more to come; I have been investigated time and again by the Department of Social Services, Family Court, Probate Court, and numerous mental health clinics and social workers. The amazing thing is the relentless and reckless behavior some people have toward any semblance of normalcy and calmness. People, who's sole desire is to destroy what is good and wreck was is working. No wonder therapists are in so much confusion and so ill equipped when the playing field is being moved as they try to accomplish their work. 

I feel for the case workers, judges, probation officers, clinicians and anyone who has to deal with the ravages of this culture on the children and families today. We see kids killing kids, children having children and parents physically there, but not. We are so screwed up as a culture, I fear for the continuation of our nation. 

We are building on the family and if the family is failing, so do I see the demise of America.

I never thought it would be so hard

This is the culmination of over sixteen years of experiences from my life trying to forge a future for my children in the world, attempting to shelter them from inappropriate adults, protecting them from the chaos that is the system and trying to impart unto them the lessons I have learned from this experience and from before. 

When I started out on this fatherhood road, I was naive to think that the women in my life would allow me to father my children. Our world has taken the concepts of the centuries prior and decided to rid ourselves of them. Concepts such as discipline and mentoring are fading into the background. When we can only pass on our heritage through lessons passed down, we are only one generation from destruction. 

My fear is that this event is shortly coming and my words and deeds today may be the only voice crying out in the wilderness. Today 78% of all black children are born out of wedlock. 45% of all white children are born into the same situation. Marriage is the foundation of a nation, and while this is not a homosexual marriage rights hit, but marriage is a unique institution for a unique situation. Immorality aside, a man and a woman are needed to bring the children up correctly. Yes there is love in homosexual relationships, and I am not discounting this, it is however the belief of this one man that a child needs a strong male and a strong female to grow up straight. 

It is the love of God that a child learns from the mother and the Law of God or discipline of God from the father. Now, discipline is not hitting the child. The word used here is to disciple the child, in other words, to lead the child by example. I have no idea where the confusion came from that in order to disciple you have to hit. Spanking, or the one solid smack on the buttocks to get the attention and to snap a child out of destructive behavior has been seriously changed to be the relentless outward lashing of an out of control adult.

 As we will explore, it is far more important to be a good example to mold a child than it is to be out of control. Fear does not do anything except invoke the fight or flight behavior God made that emotion for. If we are of sound mind and control our behavior and our mouths when we are stressed from a child’s incessant rants and raves, then the child will learn that when they are stressed to mirror that same behavior. Also, the challenges of a single dad are somewhat similar to a single mom, but with some unique differences in how both society and the government sees them. Changes are being placed and while I will make the stances on certain issues, this is not written for political views but rather as an enlightenment. 

In closing, while the challenges have been unexpected, the experiences are priceless. Not everything that comes to you is a blessing and not everything taken away is a curse. Being a dad is more a lesson in deflection and meeting of events. Taking the time to love and to recognize the tremendous honor and privilege bestowed to you by God, to care for and protect His children.