Where everything has gone

It has been 28 years since my adventure started.  Well over 70 court dates and $300,000 in child support later, I sit on the time when all of the chaos is clearing. 

At this point many external plumbing wonder what the heck happened and how did I get so messed up.  Many of guys like me spent the better part of the 25 years working to make ends 60 to 70 hours a week,  All the while the knuckleheads I impregnated where right there selling the narrative that I was a bad dad because I could not spend time with my children, all the while, the "Mom" was going back to court asking for more money.

I watched one of the women I had children with work only 270 days in her 30 plus years in the work force.  She spawned 5 other children, collected from the state and lost mine and the 5 others to the state.  From the two that I had with her, she has stolen from, called in false accusations and even went so far as to throw my adult son down a flight of stairs bruising his shoulder and back.  

Both of these children have grown up and are doing fine.  I never bad mouthed their mother, but trusted time tells the truth until recently when my kids came to me and asked direct questions.  They both call her by her first name and not Mom.  Their decision, not mine.  They both call me Dad, again their decision not mine. 

It is a privileged and an honor to be part of their lives, as I truly do not feel I deserve it.  For these two are a testament to staying calm and loving them and getting out of their way to allow them to grow, regardless of what I thought was right or wrong. 

Too many times we get caught on perceptions or ego moments which cause drama,  We have to back up and look at what is a real problem and what is just something we should let go. Most of the crap I wasted my time on is not even relevant to where my kids and myself ended up.

Both women are messed up and like the mess they live in.  I cannot help nor do I want to as that turmoil they cook up is toxic.  It is like the air line personal who tells you to put on the air mask first and then help others.  I stay away, at arms length or greater, because unfortunately for my children, that toxic air always hits them, so I stay clear to pull them out and get them right.