One of the hardest parts of growing up is realizing that there may have been another way to approach the problems you have faced. And in that revelation, the piles of regret and remorse seem to rise up from the ashes like a Phoenix to work to break the man I am.
The ability to make a decision is a lost art. Most will look to others and never truly own what they decide to do. The effort for the decision cast upon someone else also removed the decision maker from the outcome and the blame can be sent to another who gave advice.
All solutions are made with the most recent data at that given time which means that the limit of the decision possibilities is directly proportionate to the field of view of possible answers. This would include past experiences, situations with others, book knowledge and the like. Now with all of this data and the situation someone is facing, where does the answer come from?
In most cases it is a best guess derived from experiences, which may or may not yield the results desired. Most of my poor choices came out of unknown blind spots, which in some cases were camouflaged or in places I could not recognize.
So lets take a look at relationships and how this plays a part. The first thing I wish I understood was having a set of rules or a list of red flag behavior that I could refer to so that in the fog that happens during an encounter, I could have a reference point or a compass so to speak that would allow me a clearer path to what is happening.
By having a plan and a few possible solutions prepared, one can stay focused on what matters and be able to adjust and readjust, know when to jump and pull the cord or just walk away.
In my experience, I had a few different scenarios which I did not recognize until I was demeaned, demoralized and defeated. In typical young testosteronal male fashion, small cut blonde next door brought me to bang the whore and later my oldest daughter and son came. Young, dumb and full of cum, spreading my seed like my man Johnny.
When the she was pregnant with my first she decided that a Christian sanctuary in the mountains of New Hampshire would be the best. Like a simp, I picked up her things and drove her to the location. Of course she would not follow the rules and would not drop all the free money that Uncle Sam was giving her, so she decided that she needed to move back to her mom and dad's place.
So again I moved all her stuff, placed her belongings in storage, and let her do what she needed to. She disappeared for the better part of the pregnancy. Then one day her horror of a mother called and stated that I was stealing her daughters things and she wanted them back. So I again loaded all of the things in storage and delivered them.
As I was not sure what that would mean, I stayed my distance until one day she called looking for a "puzzle". A puzzle?!?!?
Over the next few days we spoke and again we were together again.
This on again, off again scenario is the way to a slow and miserable life. In what I was taught it was the man's responsibility to make the relationship work. That females were broken in nature and it is the stability of the man which helps the female gain some order. If I was to help my kids I would have to bite the bullet and struggle to help and to lead.
I decided to fight, as all the information and all that I am and the data I received from my grandfather all moved in that direction. But was that decision correct in hindsight? There might have been a better solution that would have brought better results for my kids.
What if I decided to walk away after my son was born. The mother at that time was losing her ever loving mind. By the time of my sons conception I was aware of her inappropriate relationships and her desire to just drag me into her eddy of crazy. I tried to get away, but she was abusive frequently hitting and yelling in an attempt to control. If I came against her desires, I would have a world of hurt come down. Frequently finding my things outside the shared apartment, moving back into my own place, just to be beckoned back when she felt she needed something.
Now getting locked into the children come first mentality set me up for repeated abuse.
As stated, I might have been better if I walked away. Yes, the social backlash would have been great. But I was already being called a dead beat dad among other things, so the social pressure would have been the same. But something greater would have come out of the change in direction. The ability to dust off the old and conserve the energy from all the struggles. That energy would be then channeled into a higher desire and might have catapulted myself to a better income quicker, or maybe a better working situation.
In my early days I really thought there was only one path, one decision and that was the one which was socially acceptable and that was my lot in life. However there are many ways to go, each with it's own destination. I was wrong to stay the path which I did and that caused harm to my kids. I did learn a lot about myself and many other topics, but it was not the best for myself nor my kids.
And in hindsight I see that my path I chose back then was unhealthy and personally destructive as it allowed for many of the abusive habits to fly under the radar until years later.
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